i fell off the wagon, and hit the ground hard

Hello, I've been avoiding you. Oh, it's not you - it's me for sure. The last several weeks have been a whirlwind of classic "real life" activity. I won't got into it again - I cursorily explained it in my last post. However, in the last post, my bad habits hadn't been creeping back in yet. Although it seems that I did anticipate them quite eerily.

Yes, it's true. I am humbled to report that my forward momentum ceased. I was phoning it in. I wasn't doing anything on my own in between workouts because I was busy and (I justified) at least was working out 3x/week with Cody. But then I was dissatisfied with my workouts because I wasn't ever getting anywhere because I wasn't doing anything on my own in between workouts. And even at my most avoidful, I can easily spot that circular logic. Eventually.

I was driving to my workout a week ago, kinda not wanting to go and fantasizing about excuses I could use to cancel. And then I thought - what the hell am I doing paying for a personal trainer? I'm not remotely wealthy enough to throw money away, not to mention my time and energy. And I'm sure Cody appreciates the money, but his time and energy are worth more than that, too. So I had 2 choices. I either quit, or ...

So I walked in and asked Cody for help to "recommit." And the fates bless him, he sensed exactly what I needed. Instead of the workout he had planned, he pulled out his laptop and made me set new specific goals. I, of course, hated this and immediately regretted my rash declaration.

KIDDING! Well, half-kidding. I don't love goal-setting part of it, but I'm living proof that it works, so I took my medicine and immediately felt SO MUCH BETTER. Hindsight being 20/20 and all - it was so clear to me that I'd been coming into workouts with a ... how to put this ... with an emotional barrier. I knew I wasn't doing the best I could, and so I was distancing myself from the process. It makes it easier to ignore that I'm the responsible party.

GOD! This workout/fitness process is so close to my acting process that sometimes I find it disturbing. If you're an actor, you may know what I mean. Another rumination for another day.

More soon ... I just wanted to let you know where I'd been off to.

i'm still standing

It's been a cRaZy month. First the detox, then there were (are) some upheavals on the workfront, then we decided to get a second cat, and now we're suddenly moving at the end of this month! It's been mostly good stuff, but big changes for me. Stress levels are rising, and although it's not bad stress, it's stress none-the-less. Stress without anxiety, if you see what I mean.

Anyway, my past patterns would indicate that this is exactly ripe for me to slack on my fitness & health routines, and to start eating a lot of comfort food. I'll be monitoring myself closely because I know it's a tendency of mine; however, so far - I'm doing really well (if I do say so myself). I've made sure to do some kind of exercise every day, and while I'm not skimping on my food desires I'm also not eating crap. I'm staying fairly balanced. This bodes well for me, I think.

If you'll allow me to pat myself on the back for a self-indulgent minute:

• I jogged 3 miles for the first time the other day. I had been keeping it steady at 2 miles for a long time now.
• Monkey & I went on our first hike of the season, 6.6 miles roundtrip. It was a steep hike, and I was tired. But good tired, like I wanted to keep going; not bad tired like I wanted to just fucking go home RIGHT NOW - which is what I have often felt. It was lovely - I kept up pace, and I was able to enjoy the entire hike. It felt fantastic in every way.
• I'm maintaining my weight at in the 142/143 lb. mark. I am back down to a size 8 in most off-the-rack brands.
• I'm not very often having to remind myself to exercise; I just do it. It's starting to become a habit. Brilliant!

I have some new stats, but Cody still needs to email them to me (CODY!).

I hope this lovely season of almost-officially-summer also finds you and yours hopeful, happy & healthy.

tally

For those of you keeping score at home ...

• I started out the detox at 148.6 lbs.
• I hit my lowest weight on Day 11, at 138.2 lbs.
• The morning of Day 14, right before I ate my first proper breakfast in 2 weeks, I weighed in at 139.8 lbs.
• I have gained weight slowly but steadily since then, and I seem to be evening out around the 142/143 lbs mark.

morning has broken

Now I know what it was. It was like the last week of school after exams have already happened, and the professor is still giving you homework.

That's what yesterday was.

I have eaten, and the sun is shining. However, in a cruel twist of fate, as I was driving home from rehearsal last night ... I swallowed, and I knew - without question - that, all of a sudden, I was sick. And yep. I woke up with a full-blown cold this morning. Ain't it a bitch?

the final countdown

Today is the last day of my detox diet. That makes tomorrow the first day of the rest of my life.

Honestly, I wouldn't have stuck this out all 13 days if I hadn't publically said that I would. I wish it had been a 9-day detox. It's not that it's been difficult to go without regular food - not since day 3, really. However, I have not received any noticable benefit in the past several days, apart from some more weight loss. My overriding feelings at this point are of utter boredom and moderate annoyance. I am receiving nourishment, but no joy. Yesterday's switch to raw veggies & fruits provided some minor excitement, but I long to be truly sated.

I'm glad I did it. I'd even do it again, possibly. No way in hell for 13 days, but maybe for 3-5 every once in awhile to clear my system out. Conceptually, I'm thrilled that my body's clean and that I'm starting from a clear slate, and I'm eager to monitor how I react to my standard fare. Pragmatically, I'm sick to death of the whole g-d thing.

Catch me tomorrow ... I bet I'll have a better attitude then.

i dream of broccoli

11 days down, 2 days to go. Tomorrow, I will actually get to chew food for the first time in 12 days. It's like Christmas - I want to go to bed early so that morning gets here sooner.

Imagine what I'm going to feel like on Thursday night! My brain may shut down. I think the first thing I'll do upon waking on Friday is toast some bread. Sprouted whole wheat bread. With just a little organic honey. Mmmm ... I have been yearning for toast for days now.

Oh my god. My brain IS going to shut down. For sure. Holy crap, I can't wait.

(You can't hear me, but I just giggled maniacally.)

monkey detox - RIP, May 19-27

Monkey decided on Saturday to stop his detox as of today. He went 9 days, and lost 10 pounds and change. YAY MONKEY! Here's his explanation & his reaction to the detox:

Thanks homies for putting up with my detox "blog" - This, alas, will be my last entry... it's the 9th day and I've went from 181.6 to 171.6 pounds and will probably lose one more lb. by tommorrow morning, but I'm pulling the plug after today. We haven't even opened or broken into my box of product, so Peggy and I will return it and split the money. We're both fuckin' sick to death of those goddamn powder feedings. She plans on continuing, but I'm happily putting up my gloves. I don't feel any failure; it's clear I have the willpower to finish, just not the reason or drive. EVERYONE seemed to suggest that after day 4 or 5, you'd feel better and have increased energy. This was just not the case for me; I feel fine, but the mind-numbingly DULL grind of clean living has made me moody (as Peggy can attest). An extreme half day headache on Day 7 didn't help either, besides feeling I was wasting away one of my first open weekends in a million years. To say I'm euphoric about eating in one day is an understatement. It was an interesting experiment, clearly good for my body and my future habits, but doing it sucked!!! "Dirty" Shoogs* is back!!!

*"Shoogs" is a nickname of his from way back.

He's right on about being sick to death of the powders. By now, I only actually look forward to 2 of them. I kinda like another, I don't hate 1 more, and I dread the other 3. This wasn't the case early on - I was mostly into all of them.

As he mentions, we'll be returning a completely unopened box of product. One box is designed to be a complete 13-day detox program for 1 person. However, they give you enough powder for 18 days if you want to extend it for a few days. So we ordered 2 boxes. Even after 9 days for both of us, there is still enough powder left for me through today, and through tomorrow if I supplement it a bit. The practical issues of getting the money back from that second box (about $150 split between us) outweighed my personal "need" for me to stick to this particular program. The thought of losing $150 bucks just to open the box for me only for 2 or 3 days made me crazy.

I hereby affirm that I am not (repeat: NOT) stopping my detox. I am going all 13 days, like I wanted to. However, I am altering it. I am supplementing the powders today & tomorrow with a small handful of whole fruit & ice to make smoothies. I think with that addition the taste won't turn me off like it has been, and they will last me through tomorrow. Starting with Day 12, I will be adding a limited amount of organic fresh fruit, veggies & raw nuts back into my diet. I will keep to the same 7x/day schedule, and maintain (or increase) my water intake.

Day 14 will be a heavenly day. I'm already planning my (sensible) meals.