when you read you begin with ABC

In the beginning there was me, and there was too much of me. Too much weight, yes; but that's symptomatic of the systemic issue ... too much noise; too much "other." I've been promising for years that I will get in better shape, that I will lose weight, that I will set goals and stick to them. I'm too broke, I'm too poor, it's too hard. Blah blah blah, I was freakin' sick of hearing myself, and I'm me. Yeah sure, Peg; but what have you done for me lately?

I'm not sure what the tipping point was. I was a bit weary of not succeeding. Well, it turns out I wasn't trying very hard, so my lack of success is not, in retrospect, incredibly shocking. I have to say, though -- it's not so much that I didn't want to try, but that I didn't know where to begin to know how to try. I read a lot; that's how I begin solving almost all my internal, and even external, dilemmas. I read books on organizing, on diets, on exercising, on detoxing, on philosophies of weight loss, on meditation. I did everything I could to get my body & mind into shape without actually having to do anything hard: chiropractic, naturopathic, massage therapy, acupuncture. I got a hot haircut, I bought good-looking clothes & cute shoes, I stopped biting my nails, I started waxing & getting manicures & pedicures. I loved it all. It's good 'n' good for you. But at the end of the day, I was forced to admit out loud that it was me. I'd fixed everything else, so I was obviously the culprit. Hmmmmm. Go figure.

One thing about me, though, is that once I commit - boy howdy! I know how to push my own buttons. I know intimately all the white lies I tell myself, and exactly how I trick myself. So I tricked myself and hired a personal trainer.